My child wants me to get back with her dad

My husband and I separated about 3 years ago. My daughter still wants us to get back together. This is not possible (or likely) as he has met someone else. What should I say to my child?

Dr. Helen Poon answers: Separation is not a single event. It can take over months or years and is often an emotional roller coaster with many changes and adjustments to each family member. Emotions experienced before, during and after separation are those of grief at losing the family unit as it was known.

Many children don’t want their parents to separate/ divorce. Some children have mixed feelings about it, especially if they know their parents were not happy together. It is really important for children to know that just because parents separate/ divorce, it does not mean that parents are divorcing or separating from the children. Although it’s true that the child of a divorced couple usually lives with a one parent most of the time, the parent who lives somewhere else is still the child’s mother or father- forever. Even if the parent(s) re-partner, this will NOT CHANGE.

I would assume that over the past three years both parents and children would have had already dealt with some changes within the family unit (For example, having to deal with living with only one parent permanently or perhaps rotated periods, coordination of special events such as birthdays and other celebrations). It is important to point out these changes and to see that these changes have been OK. It is important to convey that you will continue to love and care for your child no mater what happens. Be careful not to make promises to your child that cannot be delivered (For example, ‘Your father and I will always both be there for special days such as your birthday’).

Try not to blame or to say that ‘the reason that your father and I can never be together anymore is because he has found someone else’. Try to appear as a united front on issues. For example, ‘Your father and I have broken up for more about 3 years now, and it was because we decided that we couldn’t be together anymore…’.

Feelings such as anger, fear and sadness are very common feelings that children experience during separation/ divorce of parents. Providing children space to express and to talk about their feelings/ concerns is crucial. It can be a big relief for them. The most important thing is to listen to understand and not to try to teach or to impart messages to children in that space.