How can I make sure my daughter, aged 5, accepts her new baby brother?

My daughter is 5 and we are going to have another baby in four months. It’s a boy. How can I make sure that my little girl accepts and loves her brother from the very start?

Dr. Helen Poon answers: Love and acceptance can never be guaranteed nor assumed. However as parents you can encourage and put things into place to facilitate the upcoming changes (new family member) in the family unit.

BEFORE THE BIRTH:
Talk to the toddler about the expected arrival of her new brother. It is important to use age appropriate language so that she can understand. Toddlers for example, may not grasp the concept of time, so it might not mean much if you say that the baby will arrive in four months. It may be more useful to explain that the baby will arrive in a particular season, such as winter or when it gets cold outside.

It is important to involve the child to prepare for her new brother. Activities that may encourage her interest can include:
* Going through your child’s baby pictures and sharing with your child interesting details about her own birth and what she was like as a baby. By replaying the older child’s baby events, she will be prepared for a replay of her brother.
* Reading books (age appropriate) about pregnancy, birth, newborns and baby siblings with your child. This will give her a chance to ask questions, voice concerns, and vent feelings inspired by the books.
* Taking her to visit friends who have new infants.
* Taking her with you to the doctor to hear the baby’s heart beat.
* Allowing her to participate in preparations in any way possible. For example, helping to choose the baby’s coming home outfit from two acceptable options, or involving her in selecting baby names.

Points to consider:

* If you plan to move your child to a new bed and/or bedroom, do so well before the baby arrives so that your daughter doesn’t feel displaced.
* Give your daughter a realistic idea of what to expect when the baby sibling first arrives. You will be tired and the baby will take up a lot of your time. The baby will not be able to do much at first, except eat, sleep, poop, pee and cry. The baby will need to grow for a while first before he can be a playmate.
* Providing information about the upcoming arrangements will help your child to better understand and be prepared. For example, where the baby will sleep (especially if this is in your room at first), where the baby will sit in the car, what the baby will eat (a great time to bring up nursing if applicable).
* Try to use language that uses your daughter as a point of reference. For example, call the new baby ‘your brother’ or ‘your sister’ instead of mommy’s new baby or even ‘the baby’. This is so that even in your language you are including your daughter’s involvement.

AFTER BABY’S ARRIVAL:
From the first days at home, encourage the toddler to carefully get to know her baby brother. Guide her in stroking a soft cheek or touching his tiny fingers or toes. Explain that when a baby cries it may mean that he has a wet nappy or is hungry. This is to prevent the toddler from misinterpretation (such as that her baby sibling is hurt or in distress).

The key to a smooth transition would be to impress on your daughter that she hasn’t been forgotten or put aside in the excitement of the new baby. Make sure that the older child has some special, private space and things of her own that she doesn’t have to share with the baby. For example, each parent can have special one-to-one time with their older child. During these times, try to let her set the agenda. Not only will she feel she has some control in life, but it will also create some special bonding between parent and child. You may enlist the help of other family members and friends to give special attention to the toddler as well, because she has just attained ‘big sister’ status.

What to expect:
Some children regress after a younger sibling is born. The most common areas to be affected are eating, toileting, crying and sleeping. The best way to deal with this is to give your daughter more attention for positive her ‘big sister’ acts, than for her baby acts. Even negative attention can be motivation for acting ‘like a baby’, so make sure you reward the behaviours that you want to continue.

Many children, even sweet-natured ones, express anger towards their younger siblings. Your daughter may say that she hates her little brother. If this happens, don’t say, ‘Now you have to love your brother’. In reality, she is experiencing intense emotions and will need your help to work her way through them. Help her grieve over losing her place as the only child in the family (For example, ‘It sounds to me that you wish things were the way they were before your baby brother was born’.). This will allow a great space to come up with positive ways to love her new sibling that won’t leave her feeling left out.

Try to provide opportunities to share time between baby and older child. This can be achieved by what is called ‘sidestream attention’. For example, as you feed the baby, make the toddler feel like she is involved: talk to her or read her a story. If you don’t allow for these opportunities, she may hijack your attention by more inappropriate means.

Parents should facilitate and emphasise positive interactions between the siblings. For example:
* Point out possible smiles the baby may direct towards the older sibling when she enters a room.
* Enlist the toddler’s help in ‘looking after’ the baby in a small capacity. (Even a toddler can gently hold and pat the tiny baby under supervision, or pass a clean diaper during diaper changes). This will help establish and reinforce the child’s sense of identity within the household.
* Encourage acts of affection between the children (e.g. hugs and kisses)
* Encourage the child to pass on proficient skills to her younger sibling.

A nice message to pass onto children is to impress upon them what ‘brother’ or ‘sister’ really means. ‘Your brothers and sisters will ultimately be your best friends. Once your other friends have moved or drifted away, your family will always be there when you need them. Friends come and go; siblings are forever.’