Dr. Helen Poon answers: Throughout history many cultures have accepted spanking or hitting as a means of disciplining children. The Asian culture is no different. In fact in most parts of Eastern Asia (including China, Taiwan, Japan and Korea), physical/ corporal punishment of one’s children is lawful. This would include Hong Kong. Therefore, as much as it is abhorrent to some to see the practice of domestic corporal punishment, it is important to acknowledge that its practice is not illegal. In recent times however, research into the adverse effects of such practices has motivated new parents to think of alternative ways to reinforce their teachings and values.

It may be useful to look at how spanking or hitting children may serve parents. Firstly, spanking can immediately reduce or stop unwanted behaviour. It can also be addictive, because it can bring a parent instant brief relief from anger. However it is important to note the following points.

• Spanking can only retain its effectiveness with increased intensity (may lead to abuse).

• Spanking models aggressive behaviour as a way to deal with conflict.
Research shows that the more a child is spanked, the more likely it is that he/she will be involved in spouse or child abuse as an adult.

• Most parents describe spanking as ‘punishment’. Most think that spanking should teach a lesson or correct a behaviour. The problem is that the child may feel that the spanking ‘cancelled’ his/her crime, and thus may recommit the offence.

• The child can keep a ‘sin’ ledger where a spanking wipes the slate clean and thus avoid the healthy guilt feelings.

• Spanking allows a child to think of the physical aggression as an acceptable and effective way to solve problems, and allows the child to focus on grievances rather than their own behaviour and harm that they may have caused others.

• Spanking can be used as a power struggle between parent and child. This makes disciplining impossible when spanking is no longer an option.

• Spanking raises resentment, revenge and rebellion and reduces self-esteem in children.

In my clinical practice, I sometimes see the consequences on children / adults who may have been raised with a high disciplinary style of parenting where spanking, slapping or other forms of domestic corporal punishment would be regularly implemented. These children are often conflicted between rage and the need to be accepted by their parents. Sometimes they feel ‘pushed’ to make a stance with their parents, thereby propelling them to often risky and inappropriate behaviours. Other times, their individuality has been so stamped out that they are unable to make decisions or establish stable relationship with others.

It is my position to encourage parents to find other means to discipline their children other than spanking. For example, teaching and explaining, modelling, distracting and setting up rules are all good practices to have.

Another very important strategy to implement is the provision of consequences to both positive and undesirable behaviour. Some popular recommended consequences to behaviour would include saying ‘no’, removal of desired object or activity, natural consequences, praises, delayed gratification and privileges.

Mio Debnam replies: Valedictorian is a title normally given to the most academically able student of a graduating year, so I’m assuming that the fact that he was valedictorian in his kindergarten must mean that your son is a quick learner, and is a bright boy… who doesn’t like writing (yet).
However, it’s probably a good idea to discuss your worries with his teacher, who can assess if it is just a matter of attitude, or if there is a physical cause making him an unwilling writer – ie he may have some learning difficulty, such as dyslexia, which makes writing/reading difficult for him, and thus extra challenging and unenjoyable.

Once you have determined that there are no underlying reasons for him not liking to write, relax a little – don’t make writing into a huge problem that he has to tackle. At Grade One, students are classed as ‘emergent writers’ – and everyone develops skill sets at their own pace – so don’t worry too much if some others are writing more than he is – he should be able to catch up by the end of Grade Two. Besides, no one likes the idea of ‘hard work’… so cracking the whip and telling him that he has to work at loving to write won’t make him any less reluctant!

Also, if he perceives that it is something that mum is really worried about, the fear of failure (eg of spelling things wrong, getting grammar wrong, writing which isn’t ‘good enough’) may also be a deterrent to trying to write, and taking creative ‘risks’ in the things that he writes.

Perhaps the best approach is to make it (reading, writing, wordplay – which are all linked) seem like fun. Firstly, make sure you read to him a lot – stories, or non fiction, whatever interests him. Don’t worry about the educational payoff of the reading material – read whatever stimulates his imagination.

Do word games with him when you’ve got a minute – ie when waiting in a queue, or travelling somewhere – this teaches wordplay in an enjoyable way – some suggestions of games are below. The important thing to remember is to not make it seem like work – this is ’stealth education’ – so the emphasis should be on fun. Be silly, stop when he gets bored and don’t take things too seriously!

Another suggestion is to introduce short bits of writing into normal day to day life – like asking him to write your grocery shopping list (make it short and easy!), or write a postcard when on holiday… If he’s a computer fanatic, like so many boys are, you could ask him to write the list on the computer and print it out – make sure you use it though, so he feels he’s done something positive. In addition, you could help him to produce something he can be proud of – other than schoolwork.

Perhaps if he has drawn a fabulous picture, you can encourage him to write a little something alongside it – something short and not too demanding – so you can photocopy it and send it out to people such as grandparents (ask them to write back with praise and encouragement!). Or if he thinks of a great story during the storytelling game, you can work with him (maybe taking it in turns to draw and write) in making a little homemade book (fold A4 sheets in half and staple down the spine) – with a few words and a picture on each page.

Again, this is something you can photocopy and ‘publish’ to send to family and friends. These should be very easy to do, non-demanding, fun projects – don’t worry if the writing isn’t neat, if the spelling is wrong etc – just praise the good/creative bits and ignore the bits that need correcting – there’ll be plenty of time to learn the ‘boring secretarial’ aspects of writing – he is still very young, and still developing skills.

Hopefully, over time, you will find that your encouragement and the fun activities you do with him will work wonders in sparking his imagination and creativity – which are the keystones of nurturing the love to write.

Word game suggestions:
1. Rhyming games – chose an easy to rhyme word and try and make a 2 or 4 line poem where every line ends in a word that rhymes. Alternatively set the rule that you can only talk in rhyming couplets – ie you might not know it, but you can be a poet!
2. Storytelling game – ask one participant to choose three or four unrelated things (the more bizarre the better) then ask another participant to think of a very simple story which features one of the things on the list – this can get very surreal, but that’s part of the fun!
3. The simile game – think of a word then go around all the participants trying to think of a word that means something similar – eg Big: huge, gigantic, massive etc. If you run out of words, you have to drop out – the last person left is the winner.

Sheila Dickinson replies: When it comes to education planning and funding, there isn’t a rule of thumb. You should first look at the fundamentals such as where you are now, how many children you have, how old they are, how long it is before you need the education fund, what ambitions do you have for your children and what level of education you want to provide.

You have to decide where you want your child to study, what you want them to study, how long will they be studying for and then what will be the amount needed. There are other important costs to consider depending on where your child will be studying, such as flights home, visa fees and health and travel insurance that you need to add to your target amount. You have to take into account the inflation factor as well because the price today may not be the price in 7 years time.

Once you have your target figure, you need to review your overall budgeting again and consider how much of your current disposable income you can now afford to set aside and how to get the best out of your savings. In this case, you may start with this HK$20,000 and put in place a regular savings or investment plan to tap the advantage of compound interest effect.

In terms of investment, there are two principles that can help – time and diversification. The longer your investment horizon, the more you can weather the short term swings in the markets. Your investment time horizon in this case is simply the number of years till the start of your child’s university education.

With diversification, your investment’s volatility is smoothed over time and will move less in tandem with those swings. Keep in mind that equities can potentially reap the highest returns in the long run and cash the lowest. With an investment time frame of five years or more, you can diversify you investment across the three main investment markets – cash, bonds and equities. The precise proportion is determined by what return you need on your investment, and the level of volatility you are willing to bear.

It is important to ensure that you have adequate Life Assurance cover to make sure that the funds are still available even in the event of early death of a parent. You may also want to consider similar protection against a parent being diagnosed with a critical illness.

Like any financial plan, it is important to remain flexible and review your education fund and its progress on a regular basis with a professional financial planner. There is a good chance you will need to update your plans as your child grows older and the goals you have as a parent may change because of their input in deciding the type of course they want to pursue. You also need to be aware of increased education costs and other issues that will have an impact on how much is needed.

This article was contributed by Sheila Dickinson. Sheila is the Senior Vice President and a SFC Licensed Representative (SFC CE no: ANS128) with ipac financial planning HK Ltd. Sheila is also a Technical Representative with the Professional Insurance Brokers Association, Registration Number PIBA-0428-007924. Sheila can be contacted at financial.planning@ipac.com.hk.

ipac is licensed with the Securities and Futures Commission of Hong Kong, CE No. AAN641. ipac is a member of Professional Insurance Brokers Association, member number 0428.

In preparing this information, we did not take into account the investment objectives, financial situation or particular needs of any person. Before making an investment decision, you should speak to a financial planner to consider whether this information is appropriate to your needs, objectives and circumstances.

Amy Stewart replies: It is always great to encourage your child to read and write, whether it is during the school term time or during the holidays. But it is also good to be mindful that your child should take a break from full-time learning.

Your child will not fall “seriously” behind if they do not spend all summer in structured study, but reading and writing should be a daily activity to encourage your child and reinforce the idea of lifelong learning.

I would recommend that you get your child some interesting holiday reading about something that is of interest to them. Some trips to the library can also be a fun holiday activity. While you are there, check out the summer activities, storytelling or reading based activities offered by the library.

Writing can be incorporated as a fun and low pressure activity if you get your child interested in writing a holiday diary or comic strip to keep a record of what they did over the summer break. Other writing activities could include writing poetry or a song based on a family outing, or even a review of a movie that your child has watched.

For more ideas, search the internet for some family and child-based summer activities that incorporate reading and writing (and of course art, mathematics, science and so on). Don’t forget Daily7 and Daily10 have a great online competition on at the moment that offers many such activities.

Almost anything can become a fun learning experience for your child (and you), but be aware of your child’s need to recharge, relax and refresh over the summer break.

Step Max publisher Melanie Holloway said: “Daily7 and Daily10 have been thriving as print publications for more than 6 years now. We decided to offer the paper online so that more children could have access to this valuable resource. The content is fun, interesting, age-appropriate and updated daily.”

In preparation for the launch, Step Max revamped its website to offer more interactive features for children, such as options to vote, take part in a quiz, write book reviews, watch videos, see picture slide shows and read about children from other parts of the world.

The websites also feature online audio, so children can listen to the text being read out by a native English speaker. “This is a valuable element, particularly for those children whose second language is English. It helps them with the pronunciation of words, and the nuances of sentences,” Ms Holloway said.

“Children find it quicker and easier to send their contributions online,” said Ms Holloway. “And they love reading about what other kids are doing. While they’re there, they are reading the news and learning exciting things about the world!”

Ms Holloway said that going digital was a natural response to the changes in the media world. “Our young readers are already interacting socially online, chatting on Facebook, sharing photos with their iPhones, and getting their knowledge about the world from a far different place than we did. We used books and encyclopedias; they go online.”

Ms Holloway said children were also growing up in a fast-moving technological society where instant gratification was becoming the norm. “On websites kids can vote or write their review, push send, and the next day they’re published!”

“What we love is that it’s all totally educational,” said Ms Holloway. “It’s a kind of easy way of encouraging children to read daily, because what we put on the web is so interesting, they want to go back and read more.

“Experts recommend that children read 10 to 15 minutes a day. And while Daily7 and Daily10 readers might not quite meet that exact amount, they certainly come close.”

Founded in 2004, Step Max Ltd publishes Daily7 and Daily10 print and digital newspapers six days a week for children aged 5 to 11 years; My Little Paper, an early education weekly paper for preschoolers aged 2 to 5 years; and cartoon, travel and educational books for children.

Daily7 and Daily10 are widely read by primary school students in Hong Kong and around Asia. Schools, individual teachers, private tutors and learning centres also subscribe to the papers as an aid to the courses that they offer. My Little Paper readers attend preschool or kindergartens in Hong Kong and around Asia. Readership of all papers is an equal mix of first and second language English readers.

Mio Debnam replies: It’s lovely to hear of a child who loves to write and has a good imagination! I think that having the enthusiasm and the drive to write are two of the most important things to being a writer, so he is well on his way.

One thing I would encourage you do is to push him to read lots of different genres and authors. It’s by reading and reading and reading some more, that all of us (adults and kids alike) get the ‘feel’ for good story telling. You can learn about voice, plotting and character development by reading lots of good stories.

The other important thing he should do is to keep on writing – all sorts of things. I’d encourage him to carry around a little notebook – to write down ideas as they occur to him, or keep a diary. Tell him to listen to conversations and really take note of how people talk or how they look, or of any scene he encounters that really strike his fancy.

To develop craft, he has to learn to be discerning about his work, learn how to self edit, and to be open to constructive criticism. Perhaps you and he can read his stories together and you can help him to tighten them. If you do this with your child though, remember that you’re not his teacher, and he’s not doing this as a compulsory assignment – he’s writing for fun, so that’s what these editing sessions should be too – fun! He should feel excited and proud that he’s polishing his story into something really good.

That isn’t to say that you can’t deconstruct the story together – figure out which bits are a bit slow or don’t really make sense, or sound out of place… but always pick out the great bits to celebrate too – like a particularly thrilling plot point, or a great description or even the perfect word. If there are lots of grammar or spelling mistakes, don’t get too bogged down with them at first – concentrate on perfecting the story first, before running the grammar and spell check on the whole story.

Once you have a great story, what do you do with it? Well, he can look for places where he might be able to get his words into print. The Daily10 for example occasionally publishes short stories (write tand ask them if they would consider it), and there are many writing competitions for kids throughout the year, both in HK and abroad, where he may be able to submit the story. But even if you don’t do that, perhaps you could print out a few copies (with illustrations?!) and distribute it to friends and family members who would be interested – as the next best thing to writing a brilliant story, is having people read it!

Dr. Helen Poon answers: Love and acceptance can never be guaranteed nor assumed. However as parents you can encourage and put things into place to facilitate the upcoming changes (new family member) in the family unit.

BEFORE THE BIRTH:
Talk to the toddler about the expected arrival of her new brother. It is important to use age appropriate language so that she can understand. Toddlers for example, may not grasp the concept of time, so it might not mean much if you say that the baby will arrive in four months. It may be more useful to explain that the baby will arrive in a particular season, such as winter or when it gets cold outside.

It is important to involve the child to prepare for her new brother. Activities that may encourage her interest can include:
* Going through your child’s baby pictures and sharing with your child interesting details about her own birth and what she was like as a baby. By replaying the older child’s baby events, she will be prepared for a replay of her brother.
* Reading books (age appropriate) about pregnancy, birth, newborns and baby siblings with your child. This will give her a chance to ask questions, voice concerns, and vent feelings inspired by the books.
* Taking her to visit friends who have new infants.
* Taking her with you to the doctor to hear the baby’s heart beat.
* Allowing her to participate in preparations in any way possible. For example, helping to choose the baby’s coming home outfit from two acceptable options, or involving her in selecting baby names.

Points to consider:

* If you plan to move your child to a new bed and/or bedroom, do so well before the baby arrives so that your daughter doesn’t feel displaced.
* Give your daughter a realistic idea of what to expect when the baby sibling first arrives. You will be tired and the baby will take up a lot of your time. The baby will not be able to do much at first, except eat, sleep, poop, pee and cry. The baby will need to grow for a while first before he can be a playmate.
* Providing information about the upcoming arrangements will help your child to better understand and be prepared. For example, where the baby will sleep (especially if this is in your room at first), where the baby will sit in the car, what the baby will eat (a great time to bring up nursing if applicable).
* Try to use language that uses your daughter as a point of reference. For example, call the new baby ‘your brother’ or ‘your sister’ instead of mommy’s new baby or even ‘the baby’. This is so that even in your language you are including your daughter’s involvement.

AFTER BABY’S ARRIVAL:
From the first days at home, encourage the toddler to carefully get to know her baby brother. Guide her in stroking a soft cheek or touching his tiny fingers or toes. Explain that when a baby cries it may mean that he has a wet nappy or is hungry. This is to prevent the toddler from misinterpretation (such as that her baby sibling is hurt or in distress).

The key to a smooth transition would be to impress on your daughter that she hasn’t been forgotten or put aside in the excitement of the new baby. Make sure that the older child has some special, private space and things of her own that she doesn’t have to share with the baby. For example, each parent can have special one-to-one time with their older child. During these times, try to let her set the agenda. Not only will she feel she has some control in life, but it will also create some special bonding between parent and child. You may enlist the help of other family members and friends to give special attention to the toddler as well, because she has just attained ‘big sister’ status.

What to expect:
Some children regress after a younger sibling is born. The most common areas to be affected are eating, toileting, crying and sleeping. The best way to deal with this is to give your daughter more attention for positive her ‘big sister’ acts, than for her baby acts. Even negative attention can be motivation for acting ‘like a baby’, so make sure you reward the behaviours that you want to continue.

Many children, even sweet-natured ones, express anger towards their younger siblings. Your daughter may say that she hates her little brother. If this happens, don’t say, ‘Now you have to love your brother’. In reality, she is experiencing intense emotions and will need your help to work her way through them. Help her grieve over losing her place as the only child in the family (For example, ‘It sounds to me that you wish things were the way they were before your baby brother was born’.). This will allow a great space to come up with positive ways to love her new sibling that won’t leave her feeling left out.

Try to provide opportunities to share time between baby and older child. This can be achieved by what is called ‘sidestream attention’. For example, as you feed the baby, make the toddler feel like she is involved: talk to her or read her a story. If you don’t allow for these opportunities, she may hijack your attention by more inappropriate means.

Parents should facilitate and emphasise positive interactions between the siblings. For example:
* Point out possible smiles the baby may direct towards the older sibling when she enters a room.
* Enlist the toddler’s help in ‘looking after’ the baby in a small capacity. (Even a toddler can gently hold and pat the tiny baby under supervision, or pass a clean diaper during diaper changes). This will help establish and reinforce the child’s sense of identity within the household.
* Encourage acts of affection between the children (e.g. hugs and kisses)
* Encourage the child to pass on proficient skills to her younger sibling.

A nice message to pass onto children is to impress upon them what ‘brother’ or ‘sister’ really means. ‘Your brothers and sisters will ultimately be your best friends. Once your other friends have moved or drifted away, your family will always be there when you need them. Friends come and go; siblings are forever.’

Sheila Dickinson replies: Research shows that children’s money behaviour is usually established by age 10. However, learning good money habits doesn’t happen by osmosis and it’s not genetic. Kids don’t magically learn to be financially responsible. Some will learn from their friends and what they see on television much more than from school. But the most powerful lessons come from the examples set by their parents and other adults around them.

Rather than letting your children grow up thinking that money comes easily, there are real benefits in teaching kids to understand and use money wisely. Teach them young and they will carry forward that knowledge and live a better financial life. As in all parenting decisions, a consistent approach to encouraging good money habits is essential.

For children aged 3 to 7, parents can show them the value of money by explaining what $2 can and can’t buy. It may be an idea to do this while walking down the supermarket aisle or toy aisle (if you are game!). Let them watch you pay for things and you may even start by letting them hand over the cash or pressing the OK button on the ETC machine. Pay their pocket money in coins, as children need to understand how to allocate their money. Get them to draw what they want to save up for. Keep the goals realistic and short-term, otherwise they will lose interest quickly.

From these activities, they start to learn that different things have different values, and that money simply doesn’t grow on trees and that you have to work for your money. They will know that they have to allocate money for different things as well.

For children aged 8 to 12, parents may encourage them to participate in a school banking programme, or simply start your own with one of the great kids savings programmes available now. This will give them a sense of regular commitment to savings. Get them interested in looking at their bank statements and following how much money they are saving. This will get them used to reading banking paperwork.

Get your kids to start thinking about a medium- or long-term saving goal, and work out how long it will take them to reach that goal. You may give them a combination of notes and coins for their pocket money. This will really strengthen their allocation abilities and efficient usage of spare change. Start showing them the family bills and explain positively that the bills have to be paid to keep the family going.

Saving is a planned activity and something that needs a bit of thought rather than just putting away what’s left over. It takes a fair bit of money and good money management skills to keep a roof over their heads!

This article was contributed by Sheila Dickinson. Sheila is the Senior Vice President and a SFC Licensed Representative (SFC CE no: ANS128) with ipac financial planning HK Ltd. Sheila is also a Technical Representative with the Professional Insurance Brokers Association, Registration Number PIBA-0428-007924. Sheila can be contacted at financial.planning@ipac.com.hk.

ipac is licensed with the Securities and Futures Commission of Hong Kong, CE No. AAN641. ipac is a member of Professional Insurance Brokers Association, member number 0428.

In preparing this information, we did not take into account the investment objectives, financial situation or particular needs of any person. Before making an investment decision, you should speak to a financial planner to consider whether this information is appropriate to your needs, objectives and circumstances.